Ask The Pastor

December 31, 2003

Larry,

I'll respond to your question by breaking your post into parts.

> Question:

> I found your site while doing a search on the UPCI Church and I see
> that you are a former minister of that denomination. My question is...
> How can I keep my marriage from self-destructing because of my wife's
> rekindled belief in the UPCI, which I was not aware of when we married
> (9) years ago?

Perhaps I can give some understanding on the issue. The fact that your wife was once UPCI goes much deeper than you may realize. Oneness pentecostalism is a sub-culture in the world of religion. In this sense it can be compared to the Mennonites or the Amish. A religious sub-culture has its plus and its negative sides. As a former UPC minister, I've come to appreciate the plus side of my heritage. But I had to get rid of the negatives.

> When my wife and I married nine years ago, I assumed that she believed
> in One God as I did because when we first met she was attending an
> Assemblies of God church that also believes in the Trinty view of the
> Godhead.

Your wife believes in One God, but not in the same terms as you do. Something happened that caused her to leave the UPCI. Has she ever shared this with you?

> Namely as One God existing as a trinity of persons: the Father, the
> Son, and the Holy Spirit.

This is the crux of the matter. Oneness pentecostals do not accept God as 'Persons.' They would use the term 'manifestations.' And while they tend to be over simplistic in their view of the Godhead, their views are very similar to those held by many of the earliest believers. Chances are your wife has never believed in the trinity. (Not in the sense that you understand the term.)

> I found out shortly after we were married that she was raised in the
> United Pentecostal Church International (UPCI). I don't know how you
> believe now, but as you know, the UPCI Church teaches that God is one,
> manifesting himself in three ways.

Yes, I am much more comfortable with the term 'manifestations' than the term 'persons.' The real reason is because the term manifestation is a Biblical expression. But I don't take issue with the term 'Person.' (You may want to review these Scriptures: John 1:31; 2:11; 17:6; Rom 10:20; 1 Co 12:7; 2 Co 4:10; Heb 9:26; 1 John 1:2; 4:9)

Larry, to help you understand where your wife is coming from, you need to realize something about the doctrine of the trinity. Many Christians are not aware that the doctrine of the trinity was a later development. It came to us by way of Latin theology. So, to speak of the Biblical doctrine of the trinity is a misnomer. (I am speaking of the doctrine as it was worded in the councils.)

When the doctrine of the trinity was declared the official theology of the church in 325 A.D., by the Emperor Constantine, it remain out-of-favor with most churchmen for about 50 years. The reason was largely over the term 'Persons.' Had that word been left out, then the church by and large would not have had a problem with the term 'Trinity.' A great amount of blood was shed by Christians killing other Christians because the doctrine of the trinity could not be found in the Scriptures as it was being expressed by the councils. (You may want to do a little study on this for yourself.)

> They believe Jesus is not only the Son, but also the Father and Holy
> Spirit. This belief has been referred to as 'oneness' or 'Jesus only'.
> In contrast, the majority of Christian churches teach a trinitarian
> concept. Neither the word 'trinity' nor the word 'oneness' is found in
> the Bible.

It is true that neither the word 'trinity' nor 'oneness' are found in the Scriptures. And this is why so many believers today are desiring to get back to true Biblical Christianity. To do that we have to reach back before there was a creedal religion. This is what the Oneness people did, except they overshot some issues.

> For our entire 9 years of marriage we have both been members of a
> Pentecostal Church of God that teaches the Trinitarian view of God. I
> assumed that she had now accepted this view of the Godhead.

It would have been a natural assumption on your part.

> Five or six months ago her father passed away. He was also a member in
> the UPCI. Ever since the time of her father's death, she has started
> attending the UPCI church meetings by herself on Tuesday mornings and
> Wednesday evenings.

It seems she is reaching for her roots. Right now she may be having regrets over having left her father's religion. If this is the case, then you will need to draw on the Lord's wisdom in how to work this through. Love and patience will have their part in all that you do.

> She has been attending church on Sunday's with me at our home church
> for the a.m. and p.m. services. I have told her that I do not support
> the theology and doctrine of the UPCI and that I personally basically
> consider it a cult, because what they teach is a twisted version of the
> Bible.

Larry, much is going to depend on you. I well remember when I was ready to leave the UPCI, but my wife was still struggling. In all my sharing, it only created friction. Finally the Lord spoke to my heart and told me that I was my wife's problem, that if I would leave her alone, He could work with her. I took His counsel to heart. In a short time my wife came to me with her Bible. She was getting what she needed from the Lord. You may have to do something similar, or, at least, receive some fresh instructions from the Lord.

> She now says that she wants to attend the UPCI church exclusively by
> herself and she has been doing so for the last month and I have
> continued to attend our family church that we both attended for the
> past nine years.

She may feel you will embarrass her in some way, or that it will only cause a greater disturbance between you and she. Why don't you pray this area through for yourself. You may be surprised at how the Lord will lead you.

> She says she does not see any problem with the arrangement she has set
> up for attending church. I told her it is dividing us as a family and
> that she is preferring the UPCI church to our marriage, and I don't
> think that is is Biblical.

It isn't an issue of what is Biblical at this moment. It is more an issue of drawing on the wisdom of God. If your wife feels like she has returned home, then you are going to have to place this fully in the hands of the Lord. But I can't speak too much into this because there could be other unknown variables involved. (What you see as a bad thing, may end up becoming a great blessing.)

> I think a family should attend ONE CHURCH as a family and I feel that
> serving the Lord is a part of the "one flesh" that the Bible talks
> about when a couple are married. I feel that all aspects of the
> marriage should be goverened by the "one flesh" aspect taught in the
> Bible. I feel that if this keep up our marriage is headed for a
> separation and possibly a divorce, although I will not seek a divorce.

Don't let the word 'divorce' be part of your vocabulary.

> I have talked with my home church pastor about all of this and he says
> he does not go along with the UPCI doctrine and that it sounds as if
> she is now brainwashed by this doctrine. She will not talk to him about
> it and insists we go to separate churches. Other than this our
> marriage has been good. But this is straining our relationship due
> to constant bickering about the differences in doctrine between the two
> churches. She will not go to counseling for this.

You may want to suggest that she talk with me. May not help but I understand the issues she is dealing with. Another suggestion is to let her read my response to you. It seems to me that both of you need help.

Larry, we are in changing times and it is so important to hold fast to the Lord. Church names over the doors are meaning less and less to a great many people. Also keep in mind that the Lord didn't start denominations. That was the doings of men. The Lord didn't come to give us a religion. He came to give us a relationship with Him. So don't let this become an issue of which religion is right. There are no right religions. There are only right relationships. (Think about it.)

> I think she started going to the UPCI after her fathers death because
> it made her feel closer to him due to this being his home church. I
> did not object to this at the time because I knew she was grieving for
> her father. Now I don't know what to do.

Also, it may be that a door was never closed in her heart to the UPCI. To this day I have nothing but love for my pentecostal kinsmen. And while I have no desire to return to that particular group, I pray for them often. So I do understand her feelings.

> I told her that she is not being true to God's word and as her husband
> she should go to our home church. I gave her scripture where she is
> not being submissive to me on this and she blew it off.

A battle with Scripture isn't going to help at this point. She already knows the Scriptures. But Larry, there is something else you need to come to grips with. Paul said that the 'letter' kills, but the Spirit gives life. You need to find where the Holy Spirit is in all this. What the Lord has to say about it, and what you have to say may not be one and the same.

> She says no man is going to get between her and her relationship with
> God. I have been praying about this and I know scripture is on my side
> but about a wife should be submissive to her husband in all things, as
> long as it does not involve sin. If this keeps up I feel that this
> issue will eventually break up our marriage. I am on the verge of
> moving out of our home now because of it.

The best thing you can do for the present is keep yourself contained in the Holy Spirit. Give the Lord plenty of room to work. God's love needs to become the controlling influence. But you also need to give your wife room to breath. If you try to work this through in your own efforts it will only drive a wedge deeper, and you may be hindering what the Lord is doing.

> She says she loves me and that I should not object to where she
> attends church.

There is your starting point. You need to accept that she loves you. Love her back. Tell her that while you don't understand what it happening in her life, that you love her and want to give her room to do what she needs to do. (Let time be your friend.)

> She will not allow me to approach the minister at the UPCI church
> about this issue between us. She says that I will just be trying to
> belittle her in front of this pastor. Any opinions from another pastor
> would be much appreciated.

There may be a time when it would be a good thing to talk with her pastor, but now is not that time. In fact, you wife may even invite such a meeting between the three of you.

Larry, there are lots of things happening in the UPCI right now. Many pastors are changing their views concerning salvation. This pastor may be one of those who is seriously re-looking at their basic doctrines. This is why I suggest that you draw on God's wisdom. You may be surprised at what the future holds. (The UPCI continues to lose churches and pastors.)

As for prayer, why not pray for the UPCI pastor. The Lord may even create a friendship of sorts between you two. Out of this, the both of you may help one another see further than either of you have been able to see. And you yourself need to remain open to a deeper understanding of God's Word.

Hope this helps a bit. Feel free to write me further.

The Lord bless you,

Buddy
Bro. Buddy Martin - Ask the Pastor

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Lawrence "Buddy" Martin
email: Bro.Buddy@ChristianChallenge.org
Web: http://www.ChristianChallenge.org

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